PROUDLY COLOURED

 

SABC 2 Stops Airing Afrikaans News, Says There’s “No Evidence Language Still Exists”

JOHANNESBURG – The SABC has officially announced that it has discontinued Afrikaans news bulletins, citing a complete “lack of evidence that the language still exists in South Africa.”

The Afrikaans news bulletin, traditionally aired at 18:15 on SABC2, mysteriously vanished over the weekend of 5 and 6 April. Viewers sat dutifully in front of their televisions, remote in one hand, rooibos in the other, only to be greeted by... nothing. Not even a rerun of 7de Laan or a heartfelt apology from Riaan Cruywagen’s hologram.

When questioned, a spokesperson for the national broadcaster explained, “We launched a thorough investigation, which included asking interns, phoning one tannie in Orania, and Googling 'Afrikaans'—which autocorrected to 'Africans'. So we assumed the language was just a colonial fever dream. No one really speaks it, right?”

The announcement caused outrage across the land, particularly in towns where the local Spar sign still reads "Winkel" and everyone greets you with a friendly “Goeie môre” even if it’s 4 p.m.

Afrikaans community strikes back

In response, several Afrikaner action groups mobilised almost immediately—though not before finishing their braais. “This is cultural genocide, bru!” said one outraged activist, Jannie van Wyk, as he polished his bakkie bonnet with a Voortrekker flag. “First they came for the rugby commentary, and I said nothing. Then they came for the news. Now how am I supposed to know what’s going on in Pretoria, hey?”

Others took to social media, flooding SABC’s Facebook page with impassioned posts and inspirational Bible verses in cursive fonts, mostly ending with “Eendrag maak mag” and a photo of a lion.

Alternative news sources emerge

In the wake of the crisis, several grassroots efforts have popped up to fill the void. “We’ve launched BoereNuus, a weekly news podcast hosted from a converted plaasdam,” said founder Annatjie Botha. “We’ll cover everything from farm gate politics to pap thickness regulations. No English. No subtitles. Just pure Afrikaans and conspiracy theories.”

Academic confusion reigns

Meanwhile, academics across the country have expressed bafflement at SABC’s claim. Professor Gertjie Pretorius, linguist at the University of Stellenbosch, responded with a sternly worded letter written entirely in archaic Afrikaans cursive script, which required translation by three grandmothers and a parrot from Parys.

Government response

Minister of Cultural Affairs and Very Awkward Explanations, Nomvula Skhosana, said the decision was “based on recent trends showing that most South Africans now communicate in emojis, voice notes, and passive-aggressive community WhatsApp group messages.”

When asked if there were plans to bring back the Afrikaans news, she shrugged and said, “If someone can prove the language exists, we’ll reconsider. Until then, we assume it went the same way as fax machines and SABC's budget.”

SABC final statement

In their final press release, SABC noted, “We acknowledge the emotional response from viewers. However, we must adapt to the times. We are exploring a new, inclusive news bulletin in a language everyone can understand: Tsotsitaal with English subtitles.”

Afrikaans-speakers across the nation are now reportedly considering launching their own TV channel, tentatively titled “OnsTV: Want Ons Sê So.”